


Gave Me A Name

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 08:08:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14101098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: Ryder has a bit of a breakdown when Gil suggests having a baby.





	Gave Me A Name

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from "Father of Mine" by Everclear. 
> 
> And, seriously, using Gil to discuss Ryder's issues and relationships with their father would have gone a ways to making me a whole lot more comfortable with him being the only character in the damn game who's being pressured to have kids...

For whatever reason, Ryder had woken up feeling... prickly. Maybe it was just knowing that the Archon was going to be dealt with soon, one way or another. He was going to deal with this bastard, and he intended to win, but that was going to mean that he’d probably have to be in the fight of his life. It wouldn’t be easy. But it seemed to be the role of the Pathfinder at this point.

Wasn’t he meant to be an explorer?

He sighed, just deciding that this wasn’t really his day. Still, there was a decent chance he could still turn it around somewhat, assuming Gil was willing to be distracted for a while from his duties with the Tempest’s engines. Usually, he could be fairly easily – Ryder might still have trouble besting him at poker, but he did certainly know Gil’s conversational tells. 

Entering the engine room, Ryder couldn’t help the gentle smile that appeared as he briefly stared at Gil. Ryder still felt a little giddy at the fact that they’d fallen in love so quickly – how long had he been out of cryo, a month? Two? It was always hard to tell, given the travelling between worlds, all of which had different day/night cycles. Still, it didn’t mean that Ryder wasn’t sure of his feelings. He cared a lot for Gil, and he was a bright spot for Ryder, even as the Initiative’s successes had barely trickled out. 

Gil looked up from his work at the engine room console and... He looked a little nervous. “Hey. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Something up?” Ryder asked. He initially was concerned it was something revolving around the engine, some quirk of the tech that needed the Pathfinder’s eye.

But Gil seemed a little nervous, the kind of nervousness that made Ryder realize that he was nervous on personal level. “Well, Jill called this morning.” Ryder tried to repress a flinch – he’d been more than a little uncomfortable regarding Gil’s best friend, though he’d tried to keep things civil during their meeting, if only for Gil’s sake. Something about her – and the way she interacted with Gil, and the fact that Gil had talked her up so much, sometimes Ryder felt he knew her better than he did Gil, when it was Gil he was actually in a relationship with – had rubbed him wrong, made him uncomfortable, though he couldn’t quite put into words what or why. He supposed it was just personality clash, though he knew how much Gil wanted his best friend and boyfriend to get along, so he had kept things civil. 

It seemed that Ryder hadn’t managed to fully suppress his flinch, because Gil gave him a grin that was probably meant to at least try to put him at ease. “She can’t stop singing your praises, by the way.” That wasn’t exactly something that did the trick, but points for effort, Ryder supposed. At least he could keep up a poker face around her, even if Gil could see through his easily enough. Gil barreled on. “So, anyway, she called me this morning and said that, with the procreation blockers being removed... She wants to have baby. And, uh... Stop me if you’ve heard this one, but... She wants me to be the Dad. Er, US, to be the Dads!”

Ryder had no words. It was all he could do to not run from the very idea. “She... she what?”

Gil appeared to be wrapped up in the explanation, maybe had been rehearsing how to go about explaining this before Ryder had arrived, so he seemed to barely acknowledge that Ryder had spoken. “And... I was thinking of saying yes.”

“YOU what?” Ryder managed to lean himself against the railing, fighting the pressing urge to give in to a panic attack. Possibly vomit. Why wasn’t there a seat here? Or maybe a paper bag for him to breathe into. Something... anything. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to breathe. Not for a long time. He locked his eyes on the engine core, more to focus on something than anything else.

“I mean, I know it’s sudden,” Gil said, continuing on with what he’d prepared himself to say, focusing his mind on the speech he’d prepared, pacing around the engine room, and missing the slow motion panic on Ryder’s face. “I know that it’s... kinda crazy, just jumping in to this, but-”

Ryder managed to gulp down the lump in his throat, though he was still working on the whole ‘breathing’ thing as he turned to Gil. “Gil, what the hell?! You... you can’t possibly think that this is a good idea!” 

That just seemed to offend him. “Why not? You think I’m not mature enough or something?”

“The fact that you have to ask that is proof! Gil... Look at your life. Look at our life! What, are we supposed to turn the cargo bay into a daycare?”

“No, of course not. I... I don’t know, Jill could take care of the kid while we’re on Pathfinder missions. I... There are ways to be parents to this kid.”

“And be absent parents? Gil... That’s not fair to them! You should know that!”

“Because of my dad leaving, you mean? That’s not fair to me, Ryder. I love my life!”

“Then why did you leave it six hundred years behind you? This is a big decision that you have to be ready for!”

“And you think that I’m not, Ryder?” 

“IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!” 

Ryder’s outburst seemed to snap Gil out of his offense at the thought of Ryder not believing him fit to be a parent, finally realizing that Ryder had been on the verge of a panic attack. “Ryder... Shit, what’s... what’s wrong? I didn’t... I didn’t mean to...” He haltingly reached for Ryder, knowing that he shouldn’t just abruptly touch someone having a panic attack, but not sure what else to do. “Ryder... Ryder, you can talk to me, okay? Tell me... Tell me what’s wrong.”

Ryder’s eyes were squeezed shut, but, after a moment, his legs finally seemed to just give out on him and he crumpled to the floor. Now, Gil did reach out and touch him, trying to rub his back and offer whatever he could, unsure what else he could do for Ryder.

It took a moment, but Ryder’s breathing started to slow down. He began to relax slightly, a hand grabbing on to Gil’s arm as he steadied himself. Ryder leaned towards Gil, almost nuzzling against his neck. Gil sighed, sensing the worst was over.

When it seemed like Ryder had calmed down, Gil gently shook Ryder. “I... Ryder, what... What is it?” 

Taking a breath, Ryder pulled back slightly. “I... Gil, my Dad... my Dad was never there. He never even tried to be a part of my life. My sister’s life. We... we’d hear this stuff about the great and amazing Alec Ryder, people would say ‘you must be so proud of him,’ but... All I ever wanted was for him to be there. I didn’t want a hero, a trailblazer... A Pathfinder. I wanted my father.”

As Ryder spoke, Gil slid himself into a sitting position next to him, recognizing that right now, Ryder just needed to let it out, that he was almost more talking to himself than explaining things to Gil. 

“You know, when Cora first told me that... if I ever needed to talk about losing him... My first instinct was to tell her off about it.” He let out a hollow laugh. “Because she... she remembers a very different Alec Ryder. She wanted to talk about the man who inspired and encouraged her, made her believe she could be a better person... I just remember the guy who I joined the Alliance to try and impress, and even that didn’t seem to be even a blip for him.”

“You didn’t want to be in the Alliance?” Gil asked, surprised. Ryder may not have spoken much about his time with the Alliance peacekeeping forces, but he’d never spoken of his time there or the organization itself with any kind of hostility.

Ryder shook his head. “I’d have sooner been the one studying prothean ruins. I wanted to do it, but, everyone around me always talked like my joining the Alliance was inevitable, that it had been decided for me. Sara got to chase that dream. Me... I was ‘the son of Alec Ryder.’ As far as just about everyone else, Dad, my teachers... sometimes even Mom seemed concerned, my course was set. I didn’t get any input in it, this was what Alec Ryder’s son was going to do with his life, no need to ask him what he wants to do with it. For a while there, I even managed to convince myself that I’d wanted it, but... I honestly never wanted to be some Alliance officer. I mean... You’ve been here the whole time, do I really strike you as the guy who follows the chain of command and follows orders?”

Considering the number of times Ryder had effectively told Tann to go stuff himself, Gil could acknowledge the point. 

“Honestly, when Dad’s AI research blackballed him across Alliance space... I was relieved. It gave me an out from the Alliance without forcing me to wear the label of coward, or even a dishonorable discharge around my neck. Even my CO at the time recognized that this was better for me than sticking around.” He shook his head. “I mean... That’s a little messed up, right? I was relieved my father had just made himself a pariah, because it meant that I could give up a career I didn’t even want. It didn’t matter that he’d been blacklisted, that his name was toxic throughout Citadel space... I was just relieved that I didn’t have the option of being what I was expected to be.”

Ryder sighed. “And then he died. Saving my life. Giving me his helmet so that... so that I’d live.” He was quiet a moment, more thoughts colliding and organizing in his mind. “I’ve spent the time since then just... waiting. Wondering when it’s going to hit me that my father’s dead. When I’m going to have that moment where I actually start to feel like... I lost someone. And then I realized... I’m not going to have that moment. Because I didn’t really lose my dad. I lost the possibility of ever having him really be in my life. Losing him... It was an abstraction. The guy who contributed to my birth died. But... I never really had a father.” 

Finally, Ryder turned to Gil. “Gil... I can’t be a father. I just have an example of what screws a kid over. Not what helps them... become the best version of themselves, all that other stuff that they say that parents are supposed to be for their children. I’m... I can’t even begin to think about being that for someone. I can’t.”

Gil knew that if Jill were here, she’d probably launch into some kind of spiel about how Ryder’s background told him what kind of a father he wouldn’t be, that he could avoid making his father’s mistakes. He immediately discounted that – Ryder was having a crisis of confidence in himself, this wasn’t the time to make him second-guess his choices or try to convince him he believed one way or another. 

“That’s... I don’t need kids, Ryder, I really don’t. If it’s not right for you, it’s not right for me. We’re a team, okay? We do this together or not at all. I was just... acting without thinking, jumping in feet first. But... If you don’t want to, it’s fine. It is. Okay?” He reached out, cupping Ryder’s face. Since the worst of the panic attack seemed to be over, Gil leaned in, softly kissing Ryder. He was relieved to feel Ryder respond after a moment, one of his hands wrapping gently around Gil’s wrist. 

When he pulled back, Ryder sighed, a soft smile trying to form on his face. “Gil, I...”

“I mean it, Ryder. I don’t need kids. I need you. Being with you is more than enough for me. So don’t think you’re depriving me of anything, or something like that. Okay?”

“Even if Jill is pushing you?”

“Hey, I can push back against her. I can always challenge her to a poker game if she really starts getting obnoxious about it. Let me deal with Jill, okay?” He actually managed a small laugh. “We can always work out a system, a safe word if you feel like she’s pressuring you, make sure there’s a subject change.”

Despite the humor in his words, Ryder knew that he was 100% dead serious. Gil meant every word, he could hear the sincerity in his voice. Knowing that was the case, Ryder sighed, slumping in relief. More than relief, even – he’d never said any of this to anyone, had kept it all bottled in since... really since Habitat 7, since his father had died. Cora and SAM had brought up his father on occasion, and every time, he’d just tried to brush past the comments, disregard them, focus on something – anything – else. He’d just stuffed all of this down, keeping it to himself.

No wonder he’d woken up feeling prickly, if that had just been simmering under the surface.

“Thanks, Gil. I... Thanks.”

“S’what you do in a relationship, isn’t it? Take care of each other, give each other the chance to let it out.” He paused, glancing towards the big window in front of them. “Though, uh, maybe if we try this again, we keep it somewhere with a little more in the way of privacy?” Fortunately, no one was on the other side of the glass at the moment, but neither of them needed to try very hard to think that some member of their close knit band of misfits could easily have passed by and seen the Pathfinder like this. And, given how Ryder had kept things bottled up as long as he had, it was also pretty easy to picture Ryder shutting down instead of opening up had anyone else come along.

Still, feeling lighter, Ryder could manage a small laugh. “Next time I have a total mental breakdown, I’ll try to do it in our quarters.”

“Might be good. Wanna keep that whole Pathfinder mystique going, you know? It is kinda sexy.” Gil rose, extending a hand to help Ryder back to his feet. “Ryder? Seriously, though. If this kind of stuff is bothering you, don’t be afraid to talk to me about it, okay? I’m here for you.”

“I know.” Ryder pulled Gil into a hug, feeling lighter than he had in some time. “And thank you. For understanding.”

**Author's Note:**

> So after I finished this, I realized that this covers some of the same ground as my previous Gil/Ryder fic ["Quiet Comfort,"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11785092) but what can I say, I have a lot of issues regarding the way BioWare handled Gil's romance, so let me work through them with fic.


End file.
